I KNOW WHO HOLDS THE FUTURE
I got married a little later in life. My husband, too. We were married for a couple of years before we started trying to conceive. Biologically, it probably wasn’t the smartest thing to do, wait, that is. But, we were both old enough to have seen enough marriages fall apart early on. So, it made sense to be as responsible as possible and make sure we could tolerate each other for a couple years. Things didn’t happen quickly for us in terms of getting pregnant. We sought out a great fertility doctor to put us (mainly moi) through a slew of tests to see if a baby was in our future. I became extremely anxious. Two days in a row, I thought I was having a heart attack. Both days, my husband trucked me into the doctor’s office. Both days, they said, “this is anxiety.”
Anxiety. Anxiety that I might not be able to give my precious husband a child. Anxiety that he picked the wrong girl. Anxiety that this could change the course of my relationship with him. Friends, it was a rough time. And, it was all me. My husband put absolutely no pressure on me whatsoever. One day, when I expressed to him tearfully all my anxious feelings, he kindly yet sternly replied, “We’re ok. You and I are ok. I’m not worried about this, and I don’t want you to be either. When I played basketball, I missed every single shot I overthought. Let’s relax. Be normal.”
I had never heard such comforting words. And, I had also never realized how much I loved my husband. I took that command and carried on with life- loving my husband, my family, my friends, my work with JL PARISH and all the adventure that was to come. I also prayed, “God, if it is your will, I know it will be done. If it is not, I will be the best god parent to my three god children and one god dog and the best aunt to my nephew and, soon to be niece.” And, you know what, I left it there.
Months and months down the line, my husband and I finished a dream project. It had consumed much energy and creativity, but it was a beautiful labor of love. Five days after we’d made the final touches on that dream project, I was pregnant. How could this be? “Surely, this cannot be,” I thought. And, yet it was.
Joy unfurled between my husband and I. My Mom having to get off of the phone after we told her and “call us back in twenty minutes” because, in her words, “she had to cry and get ahold of herself.” My sister screaming, then going into the very, very ugly “Oprah Cry.” My brother-in-law falling to his knees, face turning red and crying tears of joy. And, my mother and father-in-law, glassy eyed, beaming from ear to ear, saying, “We knew it. We knew it all along.” Friends and co-workers and neighbors and perfect strangers extended that same joy from well wishes to thoughtful, precious, generous gifts.
At 39 weeks and 4 days, I sit here with thighs that touch as if they’re best friends, a belly that could rival any Cave City watermelon, boobs that have never been bigger but never looked smaller and a smile that’s never been wider. I am blessed beyond measure. And, I hinge all my hope in my Creator, the same one that made possible, what at one point, seemed impossible. As the saying goes, “I do not know what the future may hold, but I know who holds the future.” And, my husband and I are counting on that same God as we enter the uncertainty that comes with labor and delivery, oh, and actually raising a child. Sweet Baby Jesus, be with me. Be with my husband. Be with my family. And, be with this baby that we will soon meet.
While I share personal things here, this one is just a bit more so… you know, personal. But, I share it because I think we all have things in life that we’re striving for. All the time I say to myself, “Trust in Him, Jill.” Then, I find myself hopelessly fumbling around in my own humanity thwarted with fear and anxiety only to return to that same thought, “Trust in Him, Jill.” While His ways are not our own, His ways are perfect. While His timing is not our timing, His timing is perfect. He is a faithful, on time, able God. He isn’t a passive God but an active one. We must never forget that. And, the best part about God is that he’s accessible to us all- no matter how far we are from him, we are still within His reach, His grasp to pick us up and re-direct our path.
There’s nobody like God. Nobody as faithful. Nobody as powerful. Nobody as creative. Nobody, no, nobody like God. And, you know what else, there’s NOBODY like you. We are each created in His image, put on this planet to be used for His purposes, and we are ALL perfect in His sight.
Friends, be blessed by the message of hope today that we have because of who our God is. May we all share in one another’s blessings, scattering joy wherever we can. And, may our hope be hinged on the Creator of All.
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